sinking to the bottom

This will all be over in due time, don't worry darling.
And these essential oils are burning my neck, but I don't mind.
This song has been on repeat for an hour now, and all I can think of is when I played it for you, and then we sat in silence for awhile, and then you broke it with the words, "That made me feel beautiful."

I'm glad it did, because it's true.
That whole night was a roller coaster of emotion for me, and I'm glad you were there.
But the toes still were broken, and the alcohol was all gone by the end of the night.
But you were there.
and we drove all night
and we sang, and we talked.
about him, about her,
about me and about you.
and then it was quiet.
and the mush that was my mind couldn't take it anymore,
and the next time I opened my eyes I was home.

you were there too, but not after I panicked and ran through the house screaming your name.
but I found you, and you were still here.
and then, after an hour of sleep, I drove you home.
the silence was deafening, and I just wanted to scream through it all.
slam on the breaks, throw the wheel, and take off with you and never return.
but no.
actually, I didn't.
the hopes that I have for you, you will never see for yourself.
and throwing yourself and everything you have and could ever have off the cliff like that makes me want to jump in after you,

but I forgot how to swim.
we'd both go down,
and we'd never resurface.
so fine.
smoke yourself into oblivion.
drink until your kidneys turn to stone,
and party like it was 1969,

but don't expect me to be there.
I've thrown myself in front of so many trains for you I can't even count,
and if you won't even answer my damn phone call, then you can wait for the train to pass.
I'm not your emergency break anymore.
I'll still see you,
and Christmas can't come sooner so I can tell you about how nice your hair is, because we've always had that inside joke,
but that's it.
I'll see you at the bottom of the ocean.
but I forgot you're afraid of the sea.

how to get your heart broken in 50 easy steps

1. have a crush
2. pursue
3. fall. hard.
4. text
5. call
6. laugh
7. hold hands
8. smile
9. go out to lunch multiple times a week
10. tell each other secrets
11. talk about the future
12. have someone break you the news
13. numbness ensues
14. be quiet
15. think
16. don't cry
17. don't cry
18. don't cry
19. think about the past
20. think about them
21. think about you
22. think about you both
23. numbness continues
24. listen to every sad song you've ever heard
25. sleep a lot
26. get mad
27. be embarrassed
28. mope
29. stare at your phone for copious amounts of time hoping they'll call and tell you it was all a lie.
30. don't cry
31. don't cry
32. don't cry
33. numbness continues
34. blank stares
35. confront
36. yell
37. scream
38. swear
39. name calling (also counts as swearing?)
40. ask for the truth
41. get told another lie
42. manipulative words that you wish you could believe
43. more sad music
44. a late night apologetic phone call
45. trust issues
46. long nights awake thinking
47. texts that were typed, deleted, re-typed, deleted again, and never sent
48. dramatic sighs
49. sit in the car long after the engine was turned off
50. think about them non stop no matter how much you try not to

jolene

every damn day of my life I try to be different.

and I don't know why, but "I Miss You" by Blink-182 just turned on and I almost wanted to cry.

different to me is normal.

and I guess you could switch those adjectives around and have a different sentence, but the same meaning:

normal to me is different.

I still don't know what love means.

I only hope to never know, just like the scientist in the world are always making new discoveries.

but, I can't be normal.

I have to be me.

and being me is different.

when I like a song, I will only listen to that song on repeat until I get sick of it.

but the funny thing is, I will always go back to it.

and I was the only one in my family to like that movie.

and I know we talked about how even if you think that you're doing something that's never been done before, you're wrong.

but I dunno, I'm a freaking nutcase.

and I hope there is no one else like me, for the sake of saving someone else.

I still sleep with my favorite stuffed animal from when I was 2 years old.

and I do think creativity exists.

you can be original.

someone HAD to do it first.

why couldn't it be you?

or me?

slow dancing.

it's all been a lie.
and I don't know what hurts me more;
that you pretend like you didn't do anything wrong,
or how I am still 100%, completely, head-over-heels for you.

shit.

and I tell myself it's not okay.
and you still smile.
and text
and call at 12:30am.
you said you didn't want to play any games,

but that's all this was.
just one big game.
but here I am,
still moving the pieces around like it matters,
but you and I both know that you already won.

and that just really sucks.

and not all of the sappy, sorry, depressing guitar solos in the entire world can glue my broken heart back together again no matter how many times I tell myself that they can,
but I still listen.

to them,
and to you.

so here's to heartbreak.
and here's to the pieces.
and here's to the people who told me so,
and here's to me for not listening,
but the saddest part is,

I don't regret a second of it.