i remember

i remember the time I cut my hair in the bathroom with the kitchen scissors, and how my mom cried, and i was confused because it was just hair.
i remember the day i learned how to ride my bike, and how i yelled at my mom for letting go of the bike causing me to fall and scrape my knees and my elbows.
i also remember my dad coming home from work that same day and me tearing around the street corner on mt hot pink bike so proud of myself for what i just learned.
i remember the smell of my dad's old truck. i always told him that it smelled like "dirt". i remember how i loved it.
i remember a lot of things about my dad.
i remember him coming to pick me up from preschool and jamming Oingo Boingo through the stereo, and singing along to "Dead Man's Party" after getting a Dr. Pepper on the way home.
i remember how much i hated sunday dinners. i still do.
i remember the sting of leather belts, and the cutting of sharp words into a young child's ego.
i remember forgiveness, after all, i was a child.
i remember my mom's broken ribs, and bruised backsides, broken toys, smashed games, tears, screams, and fear.
i remember his clenched teeth, and shaking head.
and i remember falling asleep in the closet hoping he wouldn't be able to find me.
i remember loving my dad.
i remember when i first saw him cry.
i remember that sunday afternoon.
i remember when he said, "i'm just gonna miss you guys so much."
i remember how that didn't last for long.
i remember the smell of car grease, and tire polish.
i remember The Monkees, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
and i remember bad mistakes, and happy times.
i remember forgiveness.
i was a stupid fool.
i remember "i'm sorry" being my middle name.
and i remember father's day.
and i remember purple hair,
i remember, "you look like trash. you're embarrassing this family."
i remember leaving,
i remember visiting my mom.
i remember his text:

"i guess your hair is more important than me. too bad it wasn't something nicer. i dropped some of your shit off on your mom's driveway. better go get it before it gets thrown out with the rest of the trash. probably where it belongs anyway. come get the rest of your shit before thursday, or you can go buy it back at the D.I. for a bargain price. have a nice life."

i remember the numbness.

i remember the betrayal.

i remember the stories,

i remember concerned neighbors,

to only find that when they asked for my dad's side, he told all of the lies that could feed their gossip based diet.

i remember nobody believed me.

11 piercings, purple hair.

who would?

i remember 45 minute long drives everyday to school, because who want's to transfer their senior year?

i remember him coming into where i work and yelling at me over the counter for how shitty of a kid i was.

i remember how i loved him.

but not anymore.