reflective thoughts.

I've been dreading this all weekend.
I really don't know what to say here, and I am surprised at myself.
Kind of like last night.

Walking around the quiet streets of Provo at 4 in the morning, and you had a bottle in your hand.
I quietly realized,
'This isn't the life I want to live.'
So I won't.

I made sure you got home safely and that everyone else was safe, including myself,
and I left.
And I won't go back.
But we can still be friends.
All of us.
We have to be.
But Jonny, you scared me. And I don't think I can ever look at you the same again after the things you said.
After the things you did.
I never thought I would say that.

And three phone calls through the middle of the night, and two more throughout the day cemented my thoughts that you really do care.
And after what my mom said oh-so-casually today, I know that I do too.
And she asked me where I was going to school today, and if you would have asked me 2 months ago, my answer would have been , "Georgia. I am going to Georgia."
But now I just don't know.
It was really unfair of you to ask me to go to school here so I can be closer to you.
Really unfair.
You ruin my life in all of the best ways imaginable.

But now my mind is a bowl of mismatched, colored marbles of all shapes and sizes, when before you it was just a color-coded, size sorted, labeled, box of Legos.
Ready to be built into my plan.
The plan that was already laid out.
We were just waiting on time.
I was waiting on time.

But now my car smells like campfire and cigarettes because I gave you a ride home,
and that was your only chance.
So.

So.



So.





So long to the Lego brick house,
and welcome to the swimming sea of uncertainty once more.

I did not miss you.