sinking to the bottom

This will all be over in due time, don't worry darling.
And these essential oils are burning my neck, but I don't mind.
This song has been on repeat for an hour now, and all I can think of is when I played it for you, and then we sat in silence for awhile, and then you broke it with the words, "That made me feel beautiful."

I'm glad it did, because it's true.
That whole night was a roller coaster of emotion for me, and I'm glad you were there.
But the toes still were broken, and the alcohol was all gone by the end of the night.
But you were there.
and we drove all night
and we sang, and we talked.
about him, about her,
about me and about you.
and then it was quiet.
and the mush that was my mind couldn't take it anymore,
and the next time I opened my eyes I was home.

you were there too, but not after I panicked and ran through the house screaming your name.
but I found you, and you were still here.
and then, after an hour of sleep, I drove you home.
the silence was deafening, and I just wanted to scream through it all.
slam on the breaks, throw the wheel, and take off with you and never return.
but no.
actually, I didn't.
the hopes that I have for you, you will never see for yourself.
and throwing yourself and everything you have and could ever have off the cliff like that makes me want to jump in after you,

but I forgot how to swim.
we'd both go down,
and we'd never resurface.
so fine.
smoke yourself into oblivion.
drink until your kidneys turn to stone,
and party like it was 1969,

but don't expect me to be there.
I've thrown myself in front of so many trains for you I can't even count,
and if you won't even answer my damn phone call, then you can wait for the train to pass.
I'm not your emergency break anymore.
I'll still see you,
and Christmas can't come sooner so I can tell you about how nice your hair is, because we've always had that inside joke,
but that's it.
I'll see you at the bottom of the ocean.
but I forgot you're afraid of the sea.